Chris Harris's TV Page

Watching the Telly

Contents:

• Is TV getting worse, or are we just getting old and grumpy?
• How to spot poor quality TV
• Ways to improve your TV show
• Useful links

I was exposed to a lot of American television in its native format whan I was in Florida. That's enough to put anyone off TV for life: up until last year, I used to tell people how the experience really made me appreciate how good the television is in the U.K.

But last year, I realised I watch a lot less television than I used to. Much less. I cancelled my pay-TV subscription. And the reason was that I just wasn't enjoying it any more. I found this quite worrying, for some reason, and I tried to figure out whether I'm just getting older and grumpier, or if TV really is getting worse.

I realised that this is very much down to a matter of taste, so don't expect any sweeping arguments for a resurrection of the "golden age" of earlier programming, whatever your particular golden age might be. I'm quite well aware that audiences change, and that being over 40 there are precious few channels that are interested in engaging my attention as a viewer. Over the last year or two I've felt increasingly disenfranchised, and I'm not happy about it. Partly, it was caused by the phenomenal growth of advertising channels. To fit all the extra junk into Sky's bandwidth, they have to compress the other channels more. The picture quality on Sky went down and down and down. Don't let anybody tell you that digital TV offers better picture quality, because they've obviously never sat down and watched any of it.

I've noticed a certain amount of dumbing down, too. The graphics teams at most local BBC news offices have a less-than-refreshing attitude to details like spelling. In some cases checking simple facts seems to be beyond your average television journalist. It's painfully obvious that most have never seen the inside of a library - it's much faster using the internet, after all. It's just a shame that a large proportion of information on the net is complete drivel. The gullibility of the typical man in the street is amazing - have a look at some of the rubbish that the folks at Snopes have debunked.

I do occasionally stumble across an interesting programme. The BBC Four documentary about Freeman Dyson and the Orion Project, called To Mars By A-Bomb was about the last thing I actually enjoyed sufficiently to keep on tape. But it makes me sad when I remember how, even a few years ago, the BBC's Horizon team would put out an interesting show every week for a considerable portion of the year. Not any more, they don't.

But in particular, I'm sick to death of the apparent need for everything to be plastered with red dots, logos, information bars, requests to phone in and vote, and general clutter that's there for the TV company's satisfaction, not mine. Do the folks at BBC Four, Sky One or E4 genuinely believe that we won't know that we're watching their shiny new channel rather than BBC1 or ITV without a graphic on the screen continuously telling us that we are? BBC2's programming on Saturday morning drives me to distraction. I can't believe I'm particularly unusual in having an attention span that's measured in minutes rather than seconds. So, these days, I just turn the TV off and do something else instead. Such as sitting in front of the computer. Judging by the published audience figures for programmes, I'm not the only one, either.

1. The camera operator doesn't know what a tripod is for
2. The camera operator has just discovered what a zoom lens is for
3. The channel broadcasts each show more than once in a pathetic attempt to boost ratings
4. It shows members of the public in either "amusing" or "life threatening" situations, or both
5. Stuart Maconie, Emma B and Davina McCall did an "I love this show" TV special about it
6. Johnny Knoxville is in it
7. The star appears on Graham Norton's show
8. It has pointless sound effects (stand up, BBC's "Blue Planet")
9. It involves buying, selling, or decorating houses
10. It involves buying or selling antiques
11. Graham Norton is in it (although "Father Ted" is of course, exempt)
12. The show involves phone-in voting and audience interaction
13. Jonathan Ross is in it
14. There's a canned laugh track
15. It's about something that the people being interviewed have absolutely nothing to do with

1. Let word of mouth do your advertising, not relentless plugging
2. If it's a talk show, get Michael Parkinson to do it
3. If it's a documentary, use people who know what they're talking about
4. If it's a documentary, use graphics that are actually relevant and accurate
5. If it's a reality TV show, sack the production company and go and do something else instead
6. If it's a music show, make the artists perform live, and without backing tracks
7. If it's a kids show, get Cat Deeley to present it
8. Give a new show a year to find its niche, but...
9. Call it quits when the show loses its edge
10. Bring back Tiswas!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Yes, I know I need to get out more. Yes, I know it's just finished. But it has the best writing on television, an able, talented and extremely good-looking cast, knowing cultural references coming out of its ears, a thing about rabbits, a bonkers yet all-encompassing mythos, and a rabid fan following whose affection for the show eclipses even that of Star Trek. And that's saying something.

I don't know why, but the character of Vyvian in The Young Ones was a real hero of mine in the early 1980's. Weird, eh? Still, he did have great taste in music. The high spot of each episode was usually Alexei Sayle coming on and ranting for two minutes. Imagine a cross between a Tex Avery cartoon and MTV's "the Real World" and you'll have a vague idea which bears no relation at all to the programme... Filmed down here in Bristol, by the way.

Oh - and Ron Cook, who played the TV inspector in Nasty ("The old trick, eh? Eat the telly!") will be playing Parker in the Thunderbirds movie coming out next year.